I’ve been having weird thoughts lately. Thoughts like, “I wonder if I should fix my bike or just keep putting it off,” and “I think I’m doing laundry too often.” Like, putting something off should not be a conscious choice you actively make and wtf does it even mean to do laundry too often? Anyway, moving on. Despite my lack of ability to function in normal life, I have learned a thing or two on the road.
Important Tips for Traveling
- Learn how to pack your carryon like a pro. This means don’t pack your backpack like a jackass and take 4 hours trying to get your liquids or laptop out. Also, if you insist on wearing a belt and jewelry, take it the f*ck off while you’re in line.
- If you’re choosing to fly, you’re choosing to subject yourself to random gropings and body scans at security. So get in the damn body scanner and stop bitching about violation of your rights and privacy. I swear, I would walk through security bare ass naked if it meant I’d get through faster. Nudist airports, it’s the future people.
- Find someone who complements your travel style. For me, this means someone who has his or her shit together. Frankly, I’m not sure what I bring to the table, but that’s neither here nor there. If you’re easygoing, find someone with a plan and vice versa. If you’re a high maintenance asshole, do everyone a favor, book a room at a resort and don’t invite me.
- ALWAYS put a change of underwear, a toothbrush and deodorant in your carryon. Shit happens and there are certain things you don’t want to be left without.
- Plane food will make you bloated and gassy. Like most lessons I’ve learned in my life, I discovered this through repeated trial and error. Pack your own snacks. You should not, however, pack tuna or eggs because for some reason people find this offensive.
- Learn how to read a map. The paper kind, not the one on your phone. This is an invaluable life lesson.
- Be social. If you’re traveling solo, don’t expect others to just approach you because no one can see your personality, and frankly, you probably look like shit after being on a plane/train/bus for “x” amount of hours.
- Lock your shit up. Even nice people are very capable of taking you for all you’re worth. They’re called con artists.
- Sharing is caring. One of the easiest ways to make friends is to give people shit… so break open a bottle of wine or pass around the cheese and crackers. Freebies are the way to any traveler’s heart.