Teach Me How to Tinder… No Seriously


I decided to Tinder today. Nothing squashes boredom quite like judging people. It started off pretty casually; I connected with a few 23-year-olds, tossed out a couple pity likes and then got confused when we weren’t a match and realized there’s simply no universe in which I could take a “Bjorn” or “Kasper” seriously. (Sweden problems).

After awhile, I realized I couldn’t actually understand anyone’s profile description. Like it literally could say, “I am a serial killer who likes to jerk off to My Little Pony,” and I’d be like, “gym selfie? Liiiiiiike.” Then I got bored with the men and added females into my search. This didn’t liven up my Tindering too much, unfortunately.

“I’m too asexual for Tinder right now,” I messaged my friend.

Every time someone would pop up with a common interest, I would immediately swipe left. I do not have the time, patience, or emotional capacity to chat with someone I might actually have something in common with. Like, “oh my God, you only like raspberry jam? I only like raspberry jam!” *Texts friends about the most awesome guy you just met.* Nah, bro. I don’t care about your likes or interests, shirtless pic or bust.

Maybe if I pregame Tinder, I’ll be more into it. It’s basically like going to a bar, right? A virtual bar?

Of course when I do find someone I like, I’m like, “how do I do this?” Like, “oh you live in a house? I love houses. I grew up in one. Do you like butter?” This shit is more difficult than finding your way out of Ikea.

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