I Need a Babysitter: Sweden Edition

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Sometimes (all of the time) I feel like I need a babysitter, like for myself. I’ve spent the last three days running around like a chicken with my head cut off for no apparent reason. Combine that with the consequences of just being myself and it’s a recipe for disaster.

Yesterday, I got caught in a hailstorm on my way to the library. Actually, it wasn’t even hail. It was some frozen water shit coming out of the sky and it was seriously fucked up. Then it started snowing… and thundering… because apparently that’s a thing. I walked into school soaked and covered in ice and everyone was staring at me like they’ve never seen a confused Californian before. Like no, I don’t own an umbrella… or a coat. In fact, I still cannot say with 100% confidence that I know what a coat is.

Today, I got caught in the rain while cycling to the doctor and two tree branches fell on my head. Stop abusing me universe. Like, I get it; it’s winter in Sweden. I don’t understand seasons, but I’m over this one. My reason for going to the doctor was to get some birth control… because I’m a responsible adult and also because sometimes when I go off it, I get really sweaty at night. Attractive, right?

Anyway, while I was there the kind doctor asked me if I wanted some tests. Because I’m responsible and American, I was like, “sure, why not?” I was not raised to turn down free things. So, she hands me a q-tip and a tube with solution and is like, “okay, the bathroom is over there, just take a swab and put it in the tube.” And I’m like, what the fuck? These people are actually trusting me to do this myself? Shit would not fly back home cause some dumbass would use the wrong end of the swab and then sue when they found out they really did have gonorrhea 10 years later. Anyway, I went in there, knocked over the tube, almost spilled out all of the solution, pulled my shit together and decided not to be that dumbass. So much for a casual Thursday.

So, in honor of my general state of disaster, here’s a series of photos of me putting on a wetsuit inside out.

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Step 1

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Step 2

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Step 3

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Step 4 (thank God)

I have so many questions for myself.

Like, why am I wearing only one shoe?

Why am I trying to put a size small wetsuit over another size small wetsuit?

Did I actually think I was going to be able to move?

Did I not think it was strange that the zipper was on the INSIDE?

Oh and this sequence definitely ended with someone else telling me the wetsuit was on inside out and then reminding me to take my hat off before I went surfing… because that’s apparently something I need to be reminded to do. AM I DOING THIS RIGHT???

 

 

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