“I’m flying coach class…”

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Today, I embark on my Christmas journey to Portugal. Today, I tried to clean my computer with a nail polish remover pad. I would say it’s more slippery and shiny than clean. Greasy, if you will, and smells faintly of the ladies room at a nightclub in Hollywood.

Anyway, one of my favorite things about international travel is the fact that I don’t have to take my shoes off at security. I mean, I usually travel in practical footwear so it’s not really a big deal, but it’s just one of those things I secretly look forward to. Of course, this means I’m almost always asked to remove my shoes at security.

It’s probably partly my fault. I feel like when I approach the security person I can’t help but look at them with this nose in the air gaze that says, “yeah, I’m wearing my shoes. Tell me to take them off, I dare you.” Looking smug must be universally understood because it usually takes them all of three seconds to ask me to remove my shoes and get back in line.

I can’t say I’m not used to it though. I have a long history of being randomly selected, searched, checked for drugs, detained, questioned and basically everything short of being added to the “no fly” list. I like to chalk it up to the fact that I travel often, which increases my odds of these things happening. This is probably not the case.

So yes, I do travel a lot, sometimes for business, but mostly for pleasure. Okay, pretty much always for pleasure. I’ve lost count of the number of flights I have taken in 2014 alone, but I’ve taken enough in my life to come up with a series of questions I need answered, like immediately.

  1. Why do one-way tickets cost the same as return flights? As someone whose life has thus far been defined by a series of one-way flights, I find this discriminatory and offensive.
  2. Why do the check-in attendants always tell you to remove items from your luggage and put them in your carry-on? Like do they not realize I’m still going to have the same weight on me regardless of how I distribute it?
  3. Furthermore, why would I pay $100 for my overweight luggage when I can literally pay half of that to just check a second bag?
  4. Why would I pay more money to take a flight that’s 20+ hours and has about 17 layovers when I can get a quicker, more direct flight for cheaper?
  5. Why was the most expensive meal of my life a muffin and fruit cup at the airport in Belgrade?
  6. How is Copenhagen Airport’s security so efficient and why can’t America learn this?
  7. Why do I continue to take 20+ hour flights with 17 layovers because it is occasionally like $12 cheaper when I know very well I will spend that $12 and some during my 20+ hours of travel?
  8. How do airlines overbook flights? Like, shouldn’t you know how many seats are on your plane ahead of time?
  9. Why do I have plane-induced narcolepsy?
  10. Why is it necessary to stop in Detroit while flying from Nashville to Milwaukee?
  11. How is it possible that my flight from New Jersey to Copenhagen was once delayed two hours and still arrived on time?

And, because it’s the holidays, I have taken this time of travel to rewrite part of Fergie’s “Glamorous” to more accurately reflect my life.

I’m flying coach class

Up in the sky

Popping OJ

Living the life

In the slow lane

I ain’t got no change

It’s not glamorous, glamorous

 

I wear them fake gold and plastic rings

All these things ain’t worth a thing

Buses, bikes and donkeys

I can barely afford my groceries

I be dreaming of Netflix, ice cream and cable tv

I’m not dumb, I got a degree

But I’m unemployed, living the dream

I’ll probably apply to Taco Bell, work the drive thru, raw as hell

It don’t matter how many tacos I sell

After my masters or after my PhD

I’ll still be sitting here, struggling

Sippin’, reminscin’ on days when I had a paycheck

 

Happy holidays, y’all!